A Longie, but a ...meh? A goodie?
To tune of "These Are A Few of My Favorite Things"
Vocal and guitar: Mike Agranoff
1.
Smallpox and chicken pox, chronic bronchitis,
Syphilis and typhus and encephalitis,
Sinuses ravaged with coughing and sneezes,
These are a few of my favorite diseases.
2.
Pains that are minor and pains that are chronic.
Hangnails and herpes and plagues most bubonic.
Swine flu that renders you weak in the kneeses,
These are a few of my favorite diseases.
Bridge 1
When my bowels run And it comes from Montezuma's Curse,
I simply remember my favorite disease And that makes me feel…much worse.
Random Digression 1
Thin and wan and pale and wasted
The girl with emphysema goes walking
And when she passes, each breath she passes goes "Aaauuuuuggghhh!"
Random Digression 2
Leprosy,
All my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be...
3.
Cancer and hemorrhoids, tuberculosis
Yaws and malaria, multiple s'clerosis,
Chest pains that no simple remedy eases,
These are a few of my favorite diseases.
4.
Gangrene and jaundice severe dermatitis
Ulcers and gallstones and appendicitis
Polio, whooping cough, colds, mumps, and measles,
These are a few of my favorite diseasles.
Bridge 2
When neuralgia Brings nostalgia for the pains gone by,
I think of diseases I've yet to contract, And that makes me want…to die.
OOR HAMLET (aka 3-minute Hamlet)
-Adam McNaughtan (Tune: "Mason's Apron")
There was this king sitting in his gairden a' alane,
When his brither in his ear poured a wee tate o' henbane.
Then he stole his brither's crown an' his money an' his widow,
But the deid king walked an' goat his son an' said, "Hey, listen, kiddo,
Ah've been kilt an' it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick an' clean an' show the nation whit a fraud he is."
The boy says, "Right, Ah'll dae it but Ah'll need to play it crafty -
So that naeb'dy will suspect me, Ah'll kid on that Ah'm a dafty.
So wi' a' excep' Horatio - an' he trusts him as a friend -
Hamlet, that's the boy, kids on he's roon' the bend,
An' because he wis nae ready for obligatory killin',
He tried to make the king think he was tuppence aff the shillin'.
Took the mickey oot Polonius, treatit poor Ophelia vile,
Tellt Rosencrantz an' Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile.
Then a troupe o' travellin' actors like 7.84
Arrived to dae a special wan-night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet! Hamlet! Loved his mammy!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Acting balmy!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Hesitatin',
Wonders if the ghost's a cheat
An' that is how he's waitin'.
Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
While Horatio an' him watch to see if Claudius cracked.
The play was ca'd "The Mousetrap" - no the wan that's runnin' noo -
An' sure enough the king walked oot afore the scene was through.
So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius gi'ed his da the dose,
The only problem being noo that Claudius knows he knows.
So while Hamlet tells his ma that her new husband's no a fit wan,
Uncle Claud pits oot a contract wi' the English king as hit-man.
Then when Hamlet kilt Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen neck-tie,
Wi' Rosencrantz an' Gildenstern to make sure that he got there,
But Hamlet jumped the boat an' pit the finger on that pair.
Meanwhile Laertes heard his da had been stabbed through the arras.
He came racin' back to Elsinore tout suite, hotfoot frae Paris,
An' Ophelia wi' her da kilt by the man she wished to marry -
Eftir sayin' it wi' flooers, she comittit hari-kari.
Hamlet! Hamlet! Nae messin'!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Learnt his lesson!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Yorick's crust
Convinced him that men, good or bad,
At last must come to dust.
Then Laertes lost the place an' was demandin' retribution,
An' the king says, "Keep the heid an' Ah'll provide ye a solution."
He arranged a sword-fight for the interestit pairties,
Wi' a bluntit sword for Hamlet an' a shairp sword for Laertes.
An' to make things double sure (the auld belt-an'-braces line )
He fixed a poison't sword-tip an' a poison't cup o' wine.
The poison't sword goat Hamlet but Laertes went an' muffed it,
'Cause he got stabbed hissel, an' he confessed afore he snuffed it.
Hamlet's mammy drank the wine an' as her face turnt blue,
Hamlet says, "Ah quite believe the king's a baddy noo."
"Incestuous, treacherous, damned Dane," he said, to be precise,
An' made up for hesitatin' by killin' Claudius twice.
'Cause he stabbed him wi' the sword an' forced the wine atween his lips.
Then he cried, "The rest is silence!" That was Hamlet had his chips.
They fire't a volley over him that shook the topmaist rafter,
An' Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
Hamlet! Hamlet! A' the gory!
Hamlet! Hamlet! End of story!
Hamlet! Hamlet! Ah'm away!
If you think this is borin',
Ye should read the bloody play.
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